Travel broadens the mind and keeps me looking forward!

Well! After not blogging for a year I'm getting my mojo for writing back and reflecting on another year of "Anne's Amazing Adventures!" in spite of all the tedious medical stuff!!
Following a wonderful week in Madeira last Christmas this year's adventures started with 5 days in Amsterdam over my birthday in February with my lovely friend D whom I hadn't seen for a couple of years. It was a first visit for both of us and I have to say I think it comes close to Florence in being one of my favourite cities I've visited - I found it a really friendly,well-designed and traveller-friendly city. Our basic but good hotel was on the edge of a huge,park which had a cafe which did the most delicious sandwiches I've ever tasted! We packed a lot into our 5 days,lots of walking around,getting lost,an evening canal boat trip which was lovely,visits to the Rijksmuseum,Van Gogh museum,Anne Frank museum which was hugely humbling.On Valentines night,the day before my birthday we went to a great Italian resturant I'd found on the internet prior to the trip which was a few hundred yards from the exquisite Concertgebouw concert hall where we had tickets for their Valentine's concert which included a glass of wine (very civilised!)and was an assorted programme given by the Netherlands Chamber orchestra and amazing classical guitar and free bass accordion soloists playing a lot of Piazzolla amongst other things and was really lovely. Even we were 2 singletons amidst lots of couples,old and young,it was a really lovely evening.
I'd gone for a wander round the canals that afternoon and found some lovely quirky shops and seen that in many bakerys there were delicious looking cakes specially for Valentine's Day so I bought one in honour of my birthday which we had the next day and thoroughly enjoyed.
People who know me will know that I love my colourful clothes and I was in 7th heaven when I saw there was a big Desigual (Spanish designer clothes company known for very colourful and unique designs and usually very expensive in the UK)shop with a big sale on and as I have found in Sicily,Sardinia and Italy,Desigual seems to be at least a third cheaper than in the UK so I took advantage of this and bought 2 tops and a lovely dress!
I would go back to Amsterdam in a heartbeat and there's so much more to explore than we had time for. I found it quirky,individual,friendly and my sort of place!

In April I found myself in need of another break and found a cheap offer on Travelzoo to go back to my beloved Sicily to a fairly rural rsort near Catania. It wasn't quite the relaxing week I'd envisaged as I hadn't been feeling so good leading up to the holiday with feeling breathless and having increased chest pain so we'd fixed up an urgent scan in London on my return so I spent the week rather anxious and as it was out of season there were very few people at the all-inclusive resort and a rather mature British gentleman followed me around like a lost sheep which I didn't really appreciate especially as he had very strong opinions about everything so I spent a lot of time trying to avoid him - difficult in a small,rural resort!! The last 2 days got a lot better as the very windy weather improved hugely and a huge influx of Italians and Bulgarians really livened up the resort. I enjoy practising my Italian and find the Italians always very engaging and lively! I do love Sicily though and will get back when I have chance.

The beginning of July brought a wonderful week back at the same Hotel Alpino in the fairytale town of Malcesine in Lake Garda in Italy where I'd stayed in May 2014 immediately prior to discovering that my right lung had partially collapsed and was full of fluid - I did feel a bit off colour but thought I was imagining breathlessness!!
Malcesine is so stunningly beautiful and my favourite of all the lakeside resorts I've visited. I was remembered and made very welcome by the small family-owned hotel and they left a beautiful calendar with local photos on my bed on my last night which was a lovely touch. It was extremely hot the week I was there so I didn't do as much resort-hopping as I intended as it was so tiring in the heat. I managed to get to a most wonderful outdoor thermal lakes spa in a beautiful pine forest setting which was really relaxing and worth the 2 buses it took to get there. I was able to use my Italian,French and German throughout the week. There are a lot of German visitors to Lake Garda and they will just speak to everybody in German wherever you may come from! There are lots of swans on Lake Garda and I saw the same family of swans over 3 consecutive days in different parts of the lake which was very sweet. I managed to find the hotel with the amazing views over Lake Garda in Limone and enjoyed the huge Coppa Limone icecream I'd sampled the previous year!One day I was having a wander in Malcesine and heard a violinist playing the theme from The Godfather by the old harbour and so I found a great little pizza place,got a takeout slice and sat with many others enjoying the music for over an hour and relaxing in the sun by the lake. It was bliss!I did have a couple of days where I was too tired to do very much but it was a very relaxing and enriching week. On the last night I went to a wonderful concert of opera in the castle in Malcesine given and presented by an English-born mezzo who married an Italian and lives in Malcesine and along with her was a fantastic Japanese-Italian soprano. It was a really wonderful end to another great holiday.

At the end of July I drove to my dear piano friend M's house along with my dog Bass to give a joint recital in a church in Nantwich. The concert was a great success and we had a very full church and several pinao friends came to support us which was lovely. Bass and I then went on to Welshpool in Powys where we stayed nearby in a really welcoming and hospitable B&B in the Powys countryside for the following 6 nights. Our friend J from Cardiff joined us for the 1st 3 days in which we explored Powis Castle with it's beautiful gardens,Bala Lake, where Bass enjoyed his first ride on a steam train and the stunning Lake Vrnwy. It was quite scary driving to Bala, very high up roads and almost hairpin bends precariously going up into the mountains but very much worth it. I competed in the National Eisteddfod of Wales for the 1st time in both the accompaniment and solo classes and although I didn't win either I really enjoyed the experience and was pleased how it went and it was lovely to meet other friends there too and practise my Welsh after a long time since I've spoken any. In fact I was lucky enough to meet a lady whose daughter I am now teaching piano to in Welsh which is a challenge for me but I'm enjoying it! When J had gone back to Cardiff Bass and I went to Llangollen on one day,where I'd sang in the International Eisteddfod back in the late 80s with my school choir. It's a very attractive small town and walking by the river Dee with BAss made me thing of the song "The Miller of Dee" - in fact we had lunch in the Flour mill pub with the Mill Wheel still working.The next day Bass and I visited the very attractive city of Chester. We went on a walking tour of the city with a "Roman Soldier" which was very interesting. It was a really lovely week and I gained a lot of confidence with my driving and getting around. Bass was a joy to take away and so well-behaved throughout. He's a wonderful companion.

My next big travel plans are to return to Funchal,Madeira, where I spent last Christmas in a 5 star hotel, This year I've booked a much cheaper studio apartment right in the centre of Funchal and I'm really looking forward to it. It was so festive and ively there last year and I've already found out that the ballet Petrouchka,which I've never seen, will be on in addition to 3 concerts I've already found out about and soon the full programme of the many free musical events throughout Funchal will be published. I'll go back to the English church there which was so welcoming last year.

Onwards and upwards and I'm sure lots of adventures will await me next year!

"I'm still here!"

I can't quite believe it's been over a year since my last blog!! I've written so many posts in my head but never quite got round to putting them down!!

It's been a tough year for many reasons but the words of the Sondheim song from the musical Follies "I'm Still here!" sums up how I'm feeling!
Here's an extract:
" Good times and bum times, I've seen them all
And, my dear, I'm still here
Plush velvet sometimes
Sometimes just pretzels and beer, but I'm here!"

Since my relapse of my secondaries in the lining of my right lung and chestwall in May 2014 I've now been on constant chemo for 18months which although I'm incredibly grateful for as its keeping me here I admit to finding it rather tedious now and am so looking forward to what feels like a well-deserved and earned chemo break over Christmas to give my mind and body a little breathing space before probably recommencing in the new year.

At the time of my last blog entry I had started on the oral(tablet form)chemo drug,Capecitabine which a lot of friends with breast secondaries have been on,some for several years. It did the trick in lowering my tumour marker bloodtests for 6 months but in April of this year,I started to feel breathless again and tightening in my chest and a PET scan showed progression, if only slight,on my chest wall, so in May I started on the oral drug I'm still on now,Vinorelbine, one of the older but quite reliable chemo drugs. It took a while to have an effect but after about 3 cycles it started to lower my markers and although it's been a bit up and down each cycle the fact that the markers aren't going up or down dramatically means it's working! I start cycle 10 (3week cycles)later this week and I have to have a bloodtest prior to day 1 and day 8 of the cycle and take 3 liquid capsules on day 1 and day 8 and then have day 15 off. I'm so lucky that with my BUPA policy I'm able to have the bloodtests from home which cuts out a 40 mile round trip to the hospital 2weeks out of every 3. I go to see my wonderful oncologist(I've now been seeing him for 12 years!!)roughly every 3 weeks and will see him this week. it's likely I'll have a scan early in the New Year and bloodtests to see how the markers are doing and see if there's any change since my last scan in July.

I'm fairly lucky as side effects go and haven't had any hairloss with the last 3 chemo regimes but lots of other tedious things which mean a lot of time spent between my bedroom and the bathroom on certain days - I won't go into more detail than that!! My wonderful dog Bass is so patient and even waits with me in the bathroom but he doesn't stay around if there's vomiting!!!

It's been a year of a lot of sadness for friends both with and without cancer,the sadness of life with bereavements,relationship troubles,job problems and we seem to have had an overwhelming number of losses on the online support groups I belong to. I went to 3 funerals within 3 months in the summer and they were the ones I could get to. There were many more. A sub-group of the main private support group I belong to has sprung up consisting of about 20 ladies in the South Wales area so we not only communicate most days online but we now meet regularly and it's a wonderful source of support and shared sufferings and positive news too. Several of us attended the funeral of a lovely lady of our group who sadly died in July. It was a very moving and uplifting and emotional service that she herself had planned fully.I met there one of our group for the first time,lovely K,just 36,diagnosed with primary and secondaries in pregnancy just 2 years ago and mother to A,now almost 2 and B of 6.K hadn't met the lady whose funeral was,but so close is on online bond that she very much wanted to be at the funeral,despite now having secondaries in her brain and with failing sight.We chatted about what we would want at our funerals and we both liked ideas from the one we were at. This may sound morose but when the disease takes so much control away,it feels positive to try and control and plan what you would want yourself and to help your loved ones. Sadly we were all at K's funeral just 6 weeks later.Actually it was a Celebration of Life - they kept the actual funeral to close family. It was a very touching ceremony in a hotel overlooking the sea where I know K said she spent a lot of time with the children. Children of all ages from babes in arms were there and it was made into a very positive uplifting occasion but heartbreakingly sad to see K's beautiful 6yr old dressed up in a suit and her 21month old in her father's arms obviously not fully grasping what was going on. K has a surviving identical twin and close parents so I'm sure her young husband will get lots of love and support but it just seems so wrong that they have to go through such a loss!

Another friend I met last year in London and a regular poster on our national online group sadly also died in September at 37 leaving a young widower and a 4 yr old daughter whom she was devoted too. C was very feisty and fell out with several healthcare professionals and fought like mad to get the best care possible and to be around as long as she could for her daughter. The silence on our site when these ladies die is palpable. We have a tradition of lighting a candle on a Friday or Saturday when we lose a member.

Several of our members,galvanised into action by one member in particular,have been working hard over the last 2 years to start a charity specifally commited to raising awareness,support and to help fund research into Secondary Breast cancer alone and to be the 1st charity of its kind. There is so little awareness and sadly funded research into curing secondaries alone and you can't actually die of primary breast cancer.

The founder of this brandnew charity,J,despite being very poorly herself was able to see the website signed off but died just 3 days before the public launch but we are all so proud of her and the others' achievements and hope it does get support and will continue to run.All the people running it are not taking any fees themselves and all donations will go directly into the charity. The site is http://www.secondhope.co.uk/

We have 2 professional artist/illustrators as our members,both with secondary breast cancer,who have designed and had beautiful Christmas cards made and are selling them on Ebay,all monies going directly to Second Hope. The link is here http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Second-Hope-Christmas-cards-/252180720635?hash=item3ab7246bfb:g:DXkAAOSw5ZBWKgkD

I will leave you now with a very touching post from the 7 yr old daughter of another of our members who also died in the summer. Her mother Rosie,wrote a very inspiring and honest blog of her journey with breast cancer which her widower has continued and yesterday her daughter published her first entry.

I just live in hope that the next generation can see a cure so that more families don't have to lose such valued members prematurely,

The full blog is at www.fightinggenghis.wordpress.com but here is young Natalie's post:

Natalie’s first blog

Posted on November 22, 2015

My name is Natalie Choueka. I am a daughter of a mother that died of breast cancer five months ago, a sister, a niece and a grandchild.
Everything is changing in my life, new school (junior school) and everyone in my family are especially sad. I love the world but life is just not the
same without two parents to take care of me and my brother.

In my point of view Dad would do anything for my mum, absolutely anything. I would do anything aswell, I would throw away my favourite top if she told me to. I love her to bits and I still do. Forever! I have watched a video of me coming out of the hospital, when I was a tiny baby and when we got home my mum took me to the room that is now my brother’s bedroom.

I have also watched a video of me when I was a little bit older than just a baby.  I didn’t see her but I think that my mum was in the video, well I definitely heard her and I think I saw her hand in the video aswell! I wish I could have said one last goodbye to my mum and say that I love her to the stars and back, the way we always did to one another. She would have said she loved me even more like 1 million thousand time more.Well that at least what I think  she would have said . We all miss her so, so, so much  forever and ever!

Natalie

Adventures and close friends mean so much!

Can't quite believe it's been 3 months since my last entry! August and September turned out to be very enriching months with lots of adventures. I coped much better on the reduced dosage of my treatment which enabled me to be able to enjoy a return visit to the amazing Green Man music festival near Crickhowell. This year I went with my great friend S, her husband and 2 gorgeous girls,8 and 10. In fact my fave memory of those 4 days camping (despite very little sleep!)was chilling in a huge Cinema tent with the 2 girls all cuddled up watching the original Muppet Movie which I remember seeing when it came out in the 80s and the children loved it!It was physically more hard-going for me this year and I still had my pleural catheter in place but I managed and it was a great few days with great friends.
There was then 2 days of sheer crashing out and trying to summon back some energy before heading off to Manchester by train for my 4th consecutive to what I think is the best and friendliest piano summer school around at Chethams music school. It was fab to see so many friends from previous years and make new ones - also a nice surprise to find my 15 yr old godson whom I rarely see was there too. I thought I was going to have to leave after just 2 days as I wasn't able to sleep and just had no energy but luckily sleep came and although I struggled physically I loved it as always and amazed myself by managing to pull of a 25 minute recital successfully at 10pm at night - I had to go to bed straight afterwards with awful stomach cramps and exhaustion so missed out on the champagne and chocolates celebrations with my friends in the bar but I was really proud of myself. I was then due to make a live concert DVD recording at 9am on the last morning after a late night following the final night cabaret in which I took part as always. I seriously doubted my ability to be able to get through my 25 min programme again but adrenalin and determination took over and I just went for it and was really pleased with how it went. These days because I don't know how my body's going to respond I find there's not much room for nerves - it's just a case of getting through it and somehow I feel I perform so much better these days than I ever did when I was at music college and at full throttle.I worried so much about little things which just don't seem to matter any more.What matters to me most of all is that I love playing the piano and I want to share my passion with others while I still can. That's why I love the summer school at Chets as it's full of "piano nuts"like me!!
I then had 5 days to recover from Chets before going on my long-dreamed of cruise to the Norwegian Fjords only booked a few weeks before along with my friend J who has also had to live with breast cancer.A cruise was just what I needed. I'd lost quite a lot of weight and had very little appetite at the time but soon made up for it on the cruise when it seemed it was possible to get almost anything you wanted most hours of the day!I loved the whole experience from the surprisingly sunny "Sailaway" Party as we left Southampton complete with cheesy songs,dancing and flags to the magnificent fjords themselves and all the entertainment laid on the ship from line dancing to classical piano,jazz piano to the amazing Gary Barlow lookalike. We ate,laughed,drank and ate some more! It was a great week and meant a lot to me.
On disembarking the enormous Oceana I then was picked up my great old college friend S whom I hadn't seen since my awful year of 2008 when I had a lovely weekend in Glasgow where she then lived for her 2nd daughter's christening. Well 6 years have gone by and she's had a 3rd child and moved back to her childhood county of Dorset. I had a lovely few hours meeting her wonderful family and playing with the 3 children making loom bands and hearing them all play the violin including the 3 year old! My wonderful London friends then picked me up as they were coincidentally seeing friends nearby in Dorset and gave me a lift back to stay at theirs for a couple of days to help restore my depleted energy. I'm truly blessed with my friends and it's been particularly rewarding to spend quality time and really get to know people better over the last few years whilst I've been single.
Although I was pretty wiped out by the cruise I had a relaxing few days in London and was able to spend a couple of hours with my oldest nephew whom I can't quite believe is now 27 but is incredibly mature and a pleasure to spend time with.
It was then back home and I was very glad that I was able to have my pleural catheter removed after 3 months as the fluid was no longer developing beyond a very small amount. We all hope that this meant that the treatment regime was working but unfortunately blood tests and then a recent scan has showed that not to be the case.
I then had 20 friends round for a very happy house-warming party - I'd moved in at the end of June but things had been a bit busy since then! I felt so supported and it was a really happy atmosphere.
During the last week of September Bass (my beloved lab)and I undertook the long train journey with the great help of assisted travel, which was very impressive, to York to be met by my oldest and dearest childhood friend K and her lovely hubbie R to stay in a cottage in North Yorkshire. It was a really lovely and relaxing week. We were able to visit my beloved Harrogate Ladies College where I boarded for 6th form and when we turned up outside the school we were very much welcomed and found it was an Open Day and we had a wonderful tour by a present pupil who probably thought I was so old as I was referring to all sorts of things that no longer exist there. It was really special as I went to Harrogate at a very difficult time in my life as my father had died of prostate cancer the year before and I hadn't really grieved properly at all and was quite an emotional mess inside but the cameraderie of boarding really helped me enormously and I have a lot of special memories from that time. It was also very special to spend a full week with K and her husband. K and I have been great friends since meeting at Sunday school at 5 and our families have become very close friends over the past nearly 40 years and we've been through a lot together and also have a lot of shared good memories.K is one of only a few of my present friends who knew my dad too so that means a lot to me.
I'm pretty shattered after reliving my summer adventures! I've just completed the 1st cycle of a new chemo oral regmie I've been put on and am really hoping there may be some improvement or at least stability showing in my blood test on Wednesday but we're unlikely to know anything concrete till after my 3rd cycle and scan at the end of December for which I'll get the results on New Year's Eve!!
Meanwhile I'm preparing for a piano competition next weekend in London and was very pleased with my 1st,2 2nds and a 3rd in Brimingham in October. I've got a river cruise Christmas Market tour in Belgium,getting there by Eurostar which are another 2 new experiences for me at the beginning of December with another newer but good friend and I've booked myself an all-inclusive spa hotel week in Madeira for Christmas to get away and get myself some winter sun and some "me" time.

Gratitudes and living for the moment!

I'm sitting here trying not to think of what tomorrow will bring and trying to hang on to living in the moment of right now of feeling relatively "normal" despite a mouth full of ulcers and a catheter in my lung and knowing that the last 2 days of enjoying the simple pleasures of enjoying preparing and eating food,even enjoying taking the laundry out and having the energy and motivation to put it on the line,will probably soon be a distant memory as I restart the cancer drug that my poor body has struggled to tolerate over the last 30 or so days resulting in back-to-back very high temperatures which caused me to hallucinate for the 1st and hopefully last time in my life!
It's been a while since my last post and as you may have guessed things have relapsed again for me- just 9 weeks ago ( with the rearing of cancer's ugly head in the lining of my lungs which has caused fluid to develop as a reaction and I've had to have an in-dwelling pleural catheter inseted in my lung and have been able to manage the draining on my own for 6 weeks.
As well as this big shock re-diagnosis just 2 days after a wonderful week in Lake Garda,Italy totally unaware that the reason I was feeling so tired and breathless and coughing like a smoker,I was also in the process of buying a new house in order to downsize,reduce bills and mainly get somewhere without the 22 steps up to the front door whilst I was feeling relatively well or so I thought!!
So after the devastating scan on 30th May,having the catheter inserted on 16th June,getting an unrelated debilitating virus on 17th June I moved house (with support and help of most amazing friends)on 26th June and then started my new 2 tablet combo on 1st July.
It's all been a tremendous shock - I seem to be jinxed as my previous move in 2002 from London to Wales happened the day I was initially diagnosed with breast cancer!!
As all who know me are aware I've always been and am a very sunny-natured person who loves life - much like my father who was  also taken by cancer - but I do have low moments when I think why me and that I can't endure anymore but then there's always some sign or message or encouragement to carry on.
My message was a salient one - last week at the cancer hospital I saw for the first time in nearly 12 years treatment there,a small child of about 3,wrapped in a blanket with a bald head, clearly from chemo carried lovingly by her mother. It nearly broke my heart - they have a separate entrance for the children so that the children aren't so scared by the adults undergoing treatment. I realised in a flash that if I was a mother I would want to undergo the treatment and the disease instead of my child and that if that young child who knows so little of life and should't have to undergo or know the pain of cancer and treatment can endure it so can I.
Without my amazing friends and support network I don't know how I'd have the strength to carry on - to continue to be basically fed poison in the hope that it gives me more time - it won't cure me and I can't help thinking that the last 5 and half years I've had of relative stability might be the last "stability" I'll have but I have to keep hopeful and planning adventures and just appreciate the moments I feel like myself.
It's interesting the people that stay more in the background and those who've known you all your life and just stay in the background. What to say - what to do - none of us know including those of us living with terminal illness. All of us in life just need to value what we have in each moment and really appreciate it. We say often in life "it's never too late" - well unless you believe in re-incarnation or an afterlife - there is a too late. Hold your loved ones close to you and never forget to tell them how you feel about them.

In honour of Secondary Breast Cancer Awareness Day 13th October 2013

Yesterday was Secondary Breast Cancer Awareness Day! I was busy competing in a piano festival in Birmingham where I was thrilled to gain 3 2nd places, a 3rd and 2 4ths in an incredibly high standard competition despite fainting on arriving at my hotel and only just being able to put one foot in front of the other by the end of the competition!!

I've lost many friends this year alone (at least 20!) from this disease, have many friends on ongoing chemo and some making their final journey so today I'm struggling to find the right words so I've decided just to share with you the 500 words I was asked to write in honour of this day for Breast Cancer Care.

There are many people living with this illness and coping every day with the huge impact of this disease. Yes, there have been huge improvements and discoveries made in the past few years but there is still no cure and there are people not getting access to drugs that could help prolong their lives.Support for secondary breast cancer although getting better with charities such as Breast Cancer Care and Tenovus, is still generally very lacking.We can feel like we're invisible sometimes. I look well and like to be treated normally and live as full a life as I possibly can and in fact it's taken the shock of this disease to give me the courage to truly be myself and truly engage fully in life and take life fully by the horns but I know that every day could be my last and I never forget or am able to forget that!On the Pride of Britain Awards last week there were huge applause from the announcements that research is showing that within 15 years there will be dramatic steps forward in cancer treatment and discoveries towards a cure. That's great but will be too late for all those of us currently living with Secondary Breast Cancer - sounds brutal but we need cures now before our bodies get worn out from the years of toxic drugs in our systems. Since 2003 I've had just 2006 free of cancer treatment or drugs and I know that my brain has been damaged but I know I'm lucky to be still here but I'd like to envisage a future when secondary cancer is curable!
My writing for Breast Cancer Care follows below.

If someone told me 5 years ago that I would be sitting here being asked to describe my life with secondary breast cancer I would never have believed it! My marriage had abruptly ended through the stress of my 3^rd and now terminal diagnosis. I was on weekly chemo and had to rely on friends for support and being dragged through a most acrimonious and unexpected divorce and just felt there was little point to my life. I just couldn’t see a way forward and I was only 38.

It’s not been easy and it’s not happened overnight but I’ve learned to adapt to the uncertainty of terminal disease. I’ve been luckier than a lot of my friends with this disease in that since having 9 months of intensive weekly chemo and Avastin my regular scans have been showing stability since November 2008.

Cancer does affect my every day with umpteen side effects from the daily drugs and 3 monthly injections keeping me stable, but I refuse to let it prevent me from having the fullest life I possibly can for as long as I can. I have created a new and most enriching life for myself. I’ve rediscovered my love of music having previously practically given up my beloved piano due to sadness of the illness curbing my musical career. I have joined social clubs where I’ve made the most wonderful friends and it has helped me so much with self-confidence. I’ve found campaigning, fundraising and online and offline support groups so helpful and supportive and it has given me a purpose and something to be proud of.

I amazed myself by modelling in the first Breast Cancer Care Fashion Show in Cardiff a week after my 40^thbirthday and I was thrilled to have been successfully nominated to carry the Olympic Torch last year by Breast Cancer Care. Around 30 of my friends were there to support me and that was such an amazing day!

I enjoy having many short-term goals and events to look forward to. I have to listen to my body and I often have to change my schedule to adapt to how I am. I am lucky to be able to work from home albeit only a few hours and not enough to live on but it helps keep me motivated as I love teaching the piano.

In some ways being plunged into such a scary uncertain situation with my incurable illness has enabled me to feel fearless about most other things. The simplest things bring me so much pleasure. I just feel lucky to still be here. Whilst I have made a tremendous number of friends also living with secondary cancer the hardest thing to cope with is the loss of friends. Every loss feels part of oneself being lost as you know one day that will be you. Despite this I would tell anyone living with secondary cancer to never give up hope and try not to think too far ahead and that life can still be extremely enriching despite terminal illness.

Summer Singalong!

Where on earth does time go!! I've completely failed on my self-imposed challenge of regular blog writing over the last couple of months but I have been more than filling the time with many other amazing challenges.

I was thrilled that the Summer Singalong party I hosted in aid of Tenovus on 30th June, after having the idea on 2nd June at the Hay Festival after hearing Cerys Matthews launch her Singalong book, was a great success despite a very difficult week in the run-up to it when our online support group lost yet another lovely lady and I was very uncertain of numbers and feared it would be a disaster!

It was a lot of work on my own with the catering etc but as I was charging for entry I didn't want to accept help which was a probably a little naive. The wonderful Community Fundraisers at Tenovus,A&V were extremely supportive and printed out tickets,songwords and posters. I was not feeling at all well in the few days before it and stayed up late cooking the night before and was rushing around right up to guests arriving. I couldn't even get out for last minute things as a neighbour's relative had blocked me in by parking in front of my garage! I had to go up and down 3 lots of 20 odd steps at neighbours before I found out who it was and then there wasn't time to go anyway!!

I needn't have worried however,as 13 people came and it really turned into a most enjoyable and fun event and everybody seemed to really enter into the spirit and even the most nervous about singing all joined in with songs from What Shall we do with the Drunken Sailor to Edelweiss from the Sound of Music.I had some wonderful friends who arrived later and sing regularly and treated us to a lovely duet from Les Miserables and a fantastic solo. Thnaks so much J and D.I also played a little myself. My favourite piece at the moment is a wonderful virtuoso transcription of My Favourite Things Everybody seemed keen to have another similar event and I felt the singing really connected everyone and the food helped too!! I had a raffle too and was amazed that the total raised for the even was £200 which I was delighted with for such a small event and thanks so much to all who contributed as there were also contributions from people unable to attend. Despite feeling lousy right up to the event and all my hard work I really enjoyed the event and feel so blessed to have such wonderful and supportive in my life. It also helped me share my love of music.

I'd really like to do another one at Christmas time. There's something so uplifting about singing in a group! The fabulous work Tenovus have done setting up all the Sing for Life Choirs over the last 3 years has helped and continues to help support all those living with cancer and their supporters and give them something really positive and motivating to connect them with others in a similar position.

It's not too late to donate to my justgiving page in my challenge to raise £1000 by the Miss Heart of Wales Final on November 23rd. My challenges go on and I create more! More updates of my summer and latest news follow later!

My best and most loyal friend Bass!

I'm not feeling too great today. No energy,stress of various things and being too busy this week. So still lying in bed after midday I find solace in writing about my wonderful and really special companion,my beloved black labrador Bass who turned 10 on 17th May and I realise with May being so busy for me I forgot to post about the very special celebration we had for this special day.

I never had a dog growing up. We had cats and then only after my sister's nagging my mum and finally wearing her down! I know that my sister was very keen to have a dog and even bought a couple of dog collars - I remember when I was very young - but as mum and dad both worked fulltime and dad wasn't so fond of dogs it wasn't to be. I loved our cat Octavia we had when I was growing up who was affectionate but also independent and aloof as cats can be. I apparently loved our cat Fluffy, who was around when I was born, so much that I was caught trying to stuff her in my mouth when I was a baby!!

When my ex-partner and I were planning a great new life in Wales after 10 years of busy,gruelling London life had taken its toll a dog was high on our list - in fact it was a certainty. My ex had grown up with labradors and we both felt having a dog would really enhance our life and epitomize the more gentle idyllic countrylife we were envisaging for ourselves as we made the move in December 2002.

Sadly I was diagnosed with breast cancer the day I made the move - my ex had already been working in Cardiff for 6 months so life revolved round hospital and illness over the next few months.
However, we were both desperate to still get a puppy and felt that it would be a wonderful distraction from the cancer which was dominating our lives. We did our research and found a lovely family who were experienced breeders but a lovely home set-up in Gloucestershire. The litter of labradors was due in May and would be ready to pick up in early July which would coincide with the end of my chemotherapy treatment. We had requested a boy and really lucky to get Bass as when the litter was born 2 days early on 17th May 2003 there were 5 girls and 3 boys - we were 3rd in line for a boy - but sadly one of the boys died after a few days so we would have missed the boat but another family who had requested a boy dropped out!
When we arrived on a glorious day in July to pick our puppy we had the choice from the 2 boys. I chose Bass as he was the most curious and adventurous and so sweet!!
I remember that first day so well - he screamed like a young monkey nearly all the way back in the car and was promptly sick as soon as we arrived at my ex's mum's home. He then had a wondeful afternoon outside exploring her garden and curious at everything. He didn't understand that the water bowl wasn't for him to walk in an play in and was just so full of fun and playfulness and so small!
I chose his name to be Bass. We wanted a short - easy to shout name - his kennel name was Knocklee Acer and we wondered about Ace and then I came up with Bass (rhymes with Ace!)as a musical name and my ex played the double bass.
The first week we had him and my ex went off to work leaving me with this delightful but mischievous and highly curious puppy I thought we'd made a terrible mistake. There was I,pretty battered(mentally)and exhausted from 6 months of chemotherapy with this little ball of energy who was running me ragged as I was kept on my toes constantly removing anything dangerous or not his out of his sight. I had to physically hold him still on my lap to get him to nap which he needed but was so curious!! My husband would then come home from work and Bass would promptly fall asleep at his feet and he'd wonder what I was going on about!!!

The now 10 year old Bass has just come up and given me a big lick and prompts me to get going and take him on a walk as it's a beautfiul day today. I will come back another time and write more about this wonderful dog who really has saved me from the brink of really awful depression at times and feeling of hopelessness and inability to go on but I'm finding even the reminiscing about the blissful early days emotional.

Bass - you're amazing and more special to me than you'll ever know. I love you more than anything in the world.