Well, I guess 2009 cannot be worse than my "annus horribilis" of 2008! I'm so thankful to be still here - in one piece - just about!
Being diagnosed in Feb 08 with breast cancer for the 3rd time, this time stage 4 terminal advanced breast cancer in the lungs and lymphatic system, facing the finality of not being able to have children due to the prognosis and treatment is difficult enough at the age of 38 but then my beloved husband with whom I'd been in a relationship with for 11 years suddenly spiralling out of control and leaving me within 3 months of the diagnosis has been much harder to come to terms with. Finding myself by the end of 2007 divorced and having undergone 22 lots of gruelling chemotherapy and biological agent treatment was just unbelievable. I've had to undergo many months of chemotherapy,scans,etc since my husband left that I can hardly believe I'm now into a New Year.
It's going to be a new start for me now and I want to look ahead with positivity. The financial affairs are due to be sorted out in court soon so I won't go into any detail and still somehow feel a loyalty to my ex-husband despite what he's put me through and still putting me through but while I still risk having to move from my home and lack of stability is hanging over my head it is difficult to be able to fully move on and plan exciting things to do.
I have come to know myself much more since all this happened and to come to like and respect myself for my inner strength. I have also been able to be much truer to myself and cry and let things out far more than I ever felt able to when married.
I have had tremendous support from friends,family and neighbours and feel very much part of the community here which is nice as we only arrived as "incomers" 6 years ago and I have no family here.
I have met many amazing new people, have travelled and done lots of nice things on the few days I've felt well enough which is not easy on weekly chemo with one week off in every 4.
I am trying new hobbies and trying to have as many new experiences as possible as I am very mindful of how precious my time is now.
The hardest thing of all to cope over the last year has not been the cancer and my impending death - although I hope not for a good while yet - but the betrayal of people who meant the world to me and whom I trusted and loved unconditionally. I can understand fear - I really can and admitting to fear takes a lot but that is one thing but to actually try to deliberately make things as difficult as you possibly can for someone already having to bear so much is very difficult to accept.
I guess people have their own reasons and we are all responsible for ourselves and as much as it's all been really heart-breaking for me I do not have the time or want to waste my precious time with regret, guilt or hurt. Not easy though just to move on and not a great time for me to have to construct a new life for myself at a time in my life when I desperately need some stability as my life feels in free-fall.
I do not have a religious faith but I believe in goodness and honesty despite what has been shown towards me. I believe in offering the best of myself and just hoping I get the same in return. I believe that if you radiate positivity and warmth outwards you'll get it back and if not you move on and offer it somewhere where it's welcomed. I'd rather wear my heart on my sleeve and be true to myself and give my all while on this earth - where-else am I going to do this - maybe there is another world somewhere but I'm not going to know that for sure until the end of this life so I'd rather go for it in the present one!
Enough for now - but this bionic woman is back and still bionic - in spirit if not in mind and body!!
